Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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