He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I think your dad took our porno
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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