between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
