That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
