Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
