i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
