I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
