he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
