Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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