We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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