walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
