who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
