I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
