What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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