I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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