Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
this beer tastes like vomit already
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
