he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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