I hate all girls vehemently.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
