I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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