Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
