i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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