I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
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