Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
