don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
