don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
