Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
