when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
