Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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