ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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