I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
