Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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