I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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