The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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