There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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