he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
