I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
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