I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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