Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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