Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
