oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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