the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
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