if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
