Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Randomize
