OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
