This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
