I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
