I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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