Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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