you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
