You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
