why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
